worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
