so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
