I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
