Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
