My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
A bitchslap is in order.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
