I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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