I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
