I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize