What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
