yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
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