Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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