She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
