my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
