I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
