My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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