you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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