I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
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still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
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Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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