my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Randomize
