my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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