Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
