I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize