Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
