I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
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I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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