i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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