Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
