I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Randomize
