I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
