I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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