I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
