My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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