Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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