Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
