I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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