I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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