Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Come on in and take your pants off
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