hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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