Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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