took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
