I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
either way he was missing a nipple.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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