be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
