they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My penis needs a shock collar
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
