How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.