just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
