I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
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I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
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I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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