My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
