the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
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not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that