Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
