He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
