If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just high enough for therapy.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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