Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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