After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
