When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
