i would punch a child for taco bell
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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