i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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