can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
