I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Randomize
