I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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