If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
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