just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I have already put on my inside pants.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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