she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
