im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
