u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
