her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
