My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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