the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
