he thought i was a dude.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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